


Even angels experience trauma

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 14:02:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20193445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Aziraphale retraumatizes himself when he asks Crowley to insult him during sex. He gets flashbacks to the awful things Gabriel did to him and has a panic attack, worrying Crowley.( Everything he does with Crowley is consensual albeit upsetting for Aziraphale, but it is implied that Gabriel abused him in the past. Please be careful reading this if you are triggered by this type of content and don't retraumatize yourself like Aziraphale does in this work. This isn't romanticizing abuse and I hope you don't read this as a way to validate abuse to yourself. Please stay safe. )





	Even angels experience trauma

**Author's Note:**

> This is a trauma vent by me, and may provide comfort to other people who have trauma like this. Reading content related to your abuse is something that some people with ptsd can do to provide themselves with comfort over shared experiences or to process and work through their own trauma. I don't recommend reading if you are having an episode or looking to retraumatize yourself. Please stay safe and remember that healing is always better than getting momentary comfort by reopening wounds.

Have you ever sought out trauma? Not original trauma, I mean retraumatizing yourself. There's a strange phenomenon where traumatized people seek out to recreate their trauma. Aziraphale had been getting this urge lately. It's not as straight forward as wanting to be retraumatized, it's an urge to recreate your trauma by doing similar activities. And everytime he thought about having Crowley treat him like Gabriel did, it gave him a very strange and powerful sense of urging.

Trauma aside, he was perhaps at his peak adorableness when he was asking for a favor. He hadn't told Crowley exactly what he wanted to do yet and certainly wasn't going to tell him why. But Crowley always knew the signs that Aziraphale was going to ask him something lewd or embarrassing. He'd get flushed, stammer, and would insist Crowley have a few glasses of wine with him. This was, as you may have guessed, one of those moments.

" So, " Aziraphale started, looking over to Crowley and seeing the demon raise an eyebrow, " I would like to request something. "

" Yes? " Crowley puzzled, flirtatiously. He knew this was where the drinks were leading.

" I would like to try something different. When we first started… making love, I was very… very uncomfortable. Not because I didn't want to! I rather enjoy every experience I have with you, but…But because it was so different from my previous experiences I wasn't expecting it to be like that." Aziraphale looked into his glass as he spoke. His hands were shaking. He got this horrible feeling in his stomach. He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but something inside him made him continue.

" And what were those experiences like? " Crowley's smirk was dripping with amusement. He didn't know why Aziraphale was getting the urge to ask him this, and he didn't have any clue.

" Well, when I used to… you know… with my previous, ah, not lover but my previous… sexual partner… He liked to be a bit rough. Emotionally. That's not right, I mean he liked to call me names. I want you to call me names- absolutely horrible names. Insults. I want you to treat me like garbage for the night. " Aziraphale's face seemed as though it may explode from the intense embarrassment on his cheeks. Crowley could tell the handful more glasses of wine Aziraphale had drank more than him was leaving its mark. He noted how Aziraphale was shakey and nervous from proposing something so kinky he assumed.

" You want me to call you names? Mean names? I can handle that. " Crowley downed his glass in one go, and then stood up from the table, " C'mon, angel. Let's get you upstairs and into my lap. "

Aziraphale's eyebrows shot up as he watched Crowley head to the stairs. Crowley teasingly wiggling a finger at him was his signal to follow. Crowley knew how much he loved recieving orders. This love was unrelated to any trauma. He was simply a kinky angel. They slowly walked up the stairs in a drunken haze. When they had walked down the upstairs hallway to Aziraphale's room, Crowley- gently as one could in a drunken state- kicked the already cracked door all the way open.

" On the bed. " Crowley demanded as he removed his jacket. He liked indulging Aziraphale's fondness for a dominant lover. As Aziraphale was walking towards the bed Crowley snapped his fingers and miracled away Aziraphale's clothing earning him a jump and a gasp in surprise.

It must be made clear that Crowley is not in the wrong. He doesn't know why Aziraphale wanted to do this. He is simply doing as he was told.

Aziraphale sat on the edge of the bed. Crowley cracked his neck and knuckles as a show of coolness and stood in front of Aziraphale.

" Fast or soft? " Crowley asked after leaning down and giving a soft peck on Aziraphale's cheek.

" Fast. " Aziraphale answered quickly, and was almost as quickly pushed down onto the bed by Crowley.

Aziraphale scooted up onto the bed, allowing Crowley to sit in front of him. His answer of fast was his way of telling Crowley he didn't want a slow and sensual experience tonight, and Crowley was more than happy to oblige.

Aziraphale turned red under Crowley's gaze. After a moment of admiring, Crowley went to work. He miracled a lubed hand and slide a finger into his angel. Aziraphale had prepared a sex for the night. He chose a penis for the night. He was in a penis mood. They had been in this exact position before, but something about it made Aziraphale's stomach turn. Anticipation for what was about to happen made him slightly nauseous. But he wasn't in suspense for long.

" Nasty thing, you are. " Crowley began, " Absolutely filthy. "

Aziraphale's breath caught in his throat at the sudden wave of heavy fog and he moved into Crowley's touch. When Crowley added another finger, he gasped.

" Disgusting. Horrible, nasty, vile. Absolutely disgraceful. " Crowley picked up speed. The little whine Aziraphale gave was permission enough for him to continue, " I don't know how you can live with yourself. "

The knot in Aziraphale's stomach grew. This was so familiar. It was too familiar. For a moment, he forgot where he was. He smelled Gabriel. He moaned and moved with Crowley's rhythm. He was shaking, and had his eyes shut tight. His breathing was as shakey as the rest of him.

" You are one of the worst people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. You are absolutely disgusting. You make me sick. " Crowley hissed out, smirking at Aziraphale's apparent pleasure. When Aziraphale gave another gaspy moan he removed his fingers and positioned himself to entwine with his angel. Crowley had also prepared a sex for the night. He also chose a penis. He was also in a penis mood.

As he slowly moved himself inside Aziraphale's entrance, he leaned down and kissed Aziraphale's collarbone. He paused, waiting for his signal to move, and gave more kisses to Aziraphale's collar. He loved every change he got to please his lovely angel any way he was asked.

Aziraphale nodded, urging him to continue. His head was cloudy. It usually was when he made love, but it was different this time. It felt heavy in his skull. His limbs were heavy yet locked in place. He felt like a marble statue of an angel stuck in a very dark place.

When Crowley began moving, Aziraphale gave another loud gasp. Crowley answered this by chuckling and continuing to do as he was asked.

" Oh, you like that, you pig? Nasty angel. "

The cloudiness in Aziraphale's head grew heavier. He felt Crowley against him. This usually gave him comfort, but now only stung his skin. He heard Gabriel's words each time Crowley spoke. He smelled him, he felt him, he sensed him. He no longer felt as though he was with Crowley. He could only feel Gabriel.

Crowley's eyes were closed, taking in the sensations of making love to his angel. When he felt Aziraphale's breath get jagged, he didn't think much. When he heard soft crying, that's when he was surprised. He stopped and sat up, looking down at Aziraphale.

Aziraphale was softly crying, letting tears flow freely and not so much as sobbing as just letting the tears run. His eyes were opened and his teeth were gritted. He was shaking, and looked pale as fallen snow. He held tightly onto the covers, yet he showed little emotion on his face beyond absolutely paralyzing fear. Not the fear that makes you scream. The fear that makes you stand still like a deer in headlights. The sight made Crowley's stomach drop. He pulled out, making Aziraphale wince for a second.

" Wow, wow, are you okay? " Crowley franticly asked and moved to sit beside Aziraphale. When he put a hand to Aziraphale's shoulder and the angel moved away he decided to scoot back a bit more.

" I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. " Aziraphale choked out as his crying became more rapid. He sat up and scooted away from Crowley a bit more. " I'm so sorry, Gabriel. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Gabriel. I'm so sorry. " He hug himself tightly, as though he was protecting himself from a nonexistent threat. But the threat felt very real to him.

" You're safe, Aziraphale. I've got you. I promise you will be okay. Gabriel isn't here. " Crowley had never seen Aziraphale quite this upset. He knew he had fucked up.

Aziraphale looked over to Crowley slowly, his mostly emotionless face unchanging. He moved his hand to grasp the demon's. He took a deep breath and grounded himself with the feeling of his love's warm hand. His look of stunned horror slowly faded into a look of absolute sadness. He took a minute or so to collect himself, and his caught his breath.

" I'm… sorry, Crowley. I thought… I thought I would want this… I had been missing him. Not him, but the way he treated me. I don't know why. I'm sorry for doing this. " Aziraphale's tears slowed. He began to come down from his episode.

" Hey, hey, don't apologize. It's okay. I'm sorry for saying those things. I didn't mean any of them. I promise. " Crowley hadn't noticed when he had begun crying too. He only took note of it when Aziraphale wiped a tear off of his cheek.

" Sleep with me? I mean, actual sleep? " Aziraphale asked. His voice was dripping with exhaustion from his panic attack.

" Of course. " Crowley hugged him, following Aziraphale's lead in moving under the covers. He snapped and they were both clothed in pajamas, and he wrapped his arm around his angel. When Aziraphale moved toward him and cuddled closer, he knew he would never again do anything like that to him again. This lapse in judgement was the last.


End file.
